A Definitive and Unquestionable Ranking of All 50 States

Abby Bozek and Claire Killian

  1. Hawai’i

    Forgetting about how we brutally took it, it’s a pretty happy touristy place. Just forget about all the violence we afflicted. And hey, Obama was born there!

  2. Washington state

    Not controversial and weed is legal. Go Washington state. Washington is the definition of unproblematic. Set in the majestic Pacific Northwest, Washington state falls second on our list because of their tranquility and bliss.

  3. California

    California is America’s sweetheart. Not as hustle and bustle as New York, California is a beachy paradise that conjures images of the Beach Boys and sunshine. Pets have to come from shelters, and when the state isn’t literally on fire, the earth is shaking.

  4. Illinois

    Hey, it’s Illinois. The majority of people can’t spell it. Mostly it’s just Chicago and cornfields. The weather is never good, and the people are true Midwesterners.

  5. Oregon

    Oregon is Oregon. That’s it. It has Portland, and hippies tend to be non-controversial.

  6. New York

    Duh we live here bro NY is the best state by far.

  7. Colorado

    Colorado is Colorado. Not much happens here, need I say more?

  8. Massachusetts

    Nothing great, nothing terrible. Exactly why they’re eighth. There are much worse states.

  9. Tennessee

    It gave us the “you’re the only ten I see” line. And for that, I give it ninth. We docked some points for this otherwise beautiful state because it’s the home of country music.

  10. Rhode island

    Rhode Island is a nice and neutral state. It contains the Newport Creamery, Newport Mansions, and the occasional beach.

11.) Maine

           Maine is just kind of there? Close enough to Canada that we sometimes forget it’s a state. It’s our national supplier of blueberries, which makes up for its otherwise dull nature.

12.) Arizona

           If The Good Place (may it rest in peace) proved anything, it’s that Arizona is weird. A mix of indigenous traditions, retired seniors, small cities, and oppressive heat make it one funky place to be. They don’t observe daylight savings and are one of few states to do so, that tells you just about everything you need to know about Arizona.

13.) Vermont

           Personally I’ve never been here, but just about every other person in Rye has to go skiing. Overall, pretty boring but non-controversial state.

14.) Michigan

            Michigan is actually really cute. We never talk about it because it’s so forgettable but it’s a genuinely nice state. It’s got picturesque lake-side cottages, beautiful parklands, and when it’s not covered in ice, pleasant fields.

15.) Connecticut

           The host of the majority of the “To Catch a Predator ” episodes, Connecticut houses a wide variety of the same people. And it’s hard to spell.

16.) Virginia

           I would argue that Virginia is the Massachusetts of the south. The amount of history and beautiful parklands here is stunning. But who cares about all those things? Virginia doesn’t even have any major sports teams..

17.) Delaware

           This state was BUILT for money laundering. For real. Look it up! That’s why this “first state” ranks so high on our list. You look at it and think of literally nothing. But underneath its painfully plain exterior lies a whole system used by Wall Street bankers and criminals alike.

18.) Wisconsin

           Swissconsin baby! Who doesn’t love this frigid, cheesy state? Wisconsin, with all its dairy and snow, is basically an ice cream wasteland.

19.)Minnesota

           Minnesota eh? Can we just give this ice block to Canada already?

20.) New Hampshire

           Well, the primary is happening here today (02/11/20), and for that New Hampshire means something to me. Second in line in the election, they prove which candidates actually have a chance and which ones don’t. Also, they don’t do caucuses like Iowa and let’s give them some claps for that.

21.) Louisiana

           Louisiana, when it’s not underwater, is celebrating Mardi Gras, making delicious Beignets, and being French-ish. The vibes are weird on this one.

22.) Pennsylvania

           Pennsylvania. Homeland of Philly and Wawas. I have been here countless times, and my sister goes to Lehigh which is located in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. When has nothing going for it but some steel stacks, I’m not kidding. The thing my mother gets most excited about when going there is their version of 7/11, Wawa. If that doesn’t say something I don’t know what does.

23.) Nevada

           Desert and Las Vegas baby! Nevada elected a dead pimp into office in the latest midterms, and that is all you need to know about them.

24.)Wyoming

           Wyoming is the real-life version of your computer screensaver. The land is gorgeous when it’s not being used for cattle ranching. That’s the story of Wyoming, and why it trends lower on our list, lovely until you get to the people.

25.) Texas

           This state wants so badly to not be a state, Texas is like America’s Scotland, or Quebec, it has tried to secede a number of times (Remember the Alamo?) and the rest of the country treats it like a suburban mom treats their newly emo teen, with confusion and pleads to just be normal.

26.) Kentucky

           Kentucky. Fried Chicken. A mix of Appalachia and Midwest. That’s all.

27.) Kansas

           Kansas. Home of Dorothy. Known for tornadoes and bad farmland. Kansas is right smack dab in the middle of the country. It’s capital, Topeka, has basically become a synonym for nowhere. Remember: Kansas City is NOT in Kansas. It’s in Missouri.

28.) Maryland

           Maryland is the gateway to the south, It borders both Pennsylvania and Virginia. Baltimore is supposed to be the big thing down there, but it’s not that great. I don’t think anyone cares all that much about Maryland, but I definitely don’t think it conjures positive imagery.

29.) North Carolina

           Known for their basketball prowess and picturesque landscapes. North Carolina is a cool place, with generally nice people. It just doesn’t have a whole lot else going for it. Unless you find a single seasonal sport and no major cities particularly enchanting we cannot see a reason to put this state any higher.

30.) Alaska

           Alaska is America’s final frontier. It’s expansive, beautiful, and wonderfully untouched. It’s also home to shows like Alaskan Bush People, which are so strange. We paid (adjusting for inflation) $109 million for a chunk of land that is basically just a big middle finger to Russia.

31.) Ohio

           Ohio is just another one of those ‘bleh’ states. The one time I went there, I finally understood why obesity rates are oh so high in the United States: Skyline Chili. Whether it be drive-thru or sit-down, you will be able to find pasta, topped with chili and shredded American cheese. Absolutely disgusting.

32.) Utah

           Utah is one of those states that tend to be ignored. Utah is largely just mountains. It brings nothing to the table.

33.) Idaho

           We love Idaho for those potatoes, it is truly the Peru of America. That being said, Idaho is just one of those states that people only ever talk about when something awful happens, or some hyper-controversial law is passed. That’s why it falls kind of in the middle, but definitely lower down.

34.) New Mexico

           The idea that we have a state named after an entirely separate country is just so bizarre. New Mexico is home to exclusively top-tier military sites, nuclear detonation zones, and people who live in the desert on purpose. That’s a weird mix.

35.) South Carolina

           The Carolinas are basically the same state to me, I mean really, what’s the difference? That being said, South Carolina falls lower on the list because it was the first state to secede from the Union in the Civil War, that is literally the only distinguishing feature we could find.

36.) Montana

           I’m sorry Montana, but oh god you’re just so boring. Nothing exciting has ever happened in Montana, in fact, you’re arguably one of the most forgettable states. But because you’re so unbelievably dull, we can’t put you too low with the problematic states.

37.) Nebraska

           I don’t even know what to say about Nebraska, there is so little to talk about. Mud. Fields. Heartlands. Whatever, Who cares? It’s Nebraska. I’m not 100% sure it’s a real place.

38.) North Dakota

           North Dakota. Sure, they have Mt. Rushmore but that’s just a rock filled with racism so…..

39.) New Jersey

           New Jersey is the armpit of New York, and that’s not debatable. This state is trash incarnate. Whether it’s Jersey Shore, the LIRR, or Bridgegate there is nothing in Jersey worth keeping.

40.) Iowa

           Ew. Iowa. They do caucuses. And that’s all I need to say about that one. Also, look up a county-map of their state. It’s horrible.

41.) Missouri

           A better name would be Misery. Missouri checks all the boxes of sucking as a state: high poverty, low literacy, few safety nets.

42.) Alabama

           It’s just a big blob of a state filled with the Heart-beat bill, and racism. So, it’s now in the bottom ten. Also what happens in Alabama?!?!? Literally nothing. It is decidedly not a sweet home.

43.) West Virginia

           Good song. Other than that, bad state. When have you ever heard anything about this state and gone “aw yeah go them!”? No, And that’s all that needs to be said.

44.) Georgia

           Fake-tan, anti-abortion policies, blatant racism, and the real housewives. All can be expected when you go to Georgia baby!

45.) Mississippi

           Beyond being notoriously hard to spell, Mississippi is straight-up trashy. It has the confederate flag in their state flag. Regardless of how you feel about the Civil War, you literally have the flag of an insurrectionist party in your flag. No, Mississippi is also the second most obese state, with the most consistently low literacy rates. This state does little more than drag the country down with it.

46.) Indiana

           Indiana is in the heartlands, the American midwest, but there isn’t a whole lot going on over there except farms and homophobia. Under Mike Pence, Indiana has enacted a shockingly open policy towards conversion therapy for LGBTQ+ youth, and is hostile to the community. As much as I love the Midwest, this just ain’t it.

47.) Oklahoma

           Oklahoma. Home of megachurches, and consistently high rates of meth labs, poverty, obesity, and incarcerations while maintaining depressingly low levels of literacy and financial stability. Oklahoma is not a place anyone ever wants to end up.

48.) Arkansas

           Besides being a part of one of the most famous vines Arkansas has never done anything good.

49.) South Dakota

           Arguably the worst of the Dakotas. See the Wounded Knee Massacre.

50.) Florida

           Florida. Hell’s waiting room. Every single time I’ve gone there I’ve hated it. The moist air, filled with vodka. Drunk teens will certainly enjoy their time there, but literally no one else.